A few days back I decided to take a break from Social Media; two weeks prior to that, I was struggling with insomnia–on and off, to be honest more on than off. I knew my spirit, my soul, my mind and body were trying to tell me something but I wasn’t ready to listen. Insomnia is usually part of my life and most of the time I do not mind it; I find most of my best work or processing of information happens then. One could say 3am is the time when my brain feels fresh, renewed and full of exciting ideas; it is the time when plans are formulated, while later on the day those plans come to fruition. However, the insomnia I was experiencing this time was different than my traditional pattern, it was leaving me drained and battling with depression due to my body feeling beyond exhausted.
The day before I made the decision to take time off from social media, I had an interesting conversation with my mentors. It was illuminating to say the least; funny how sometimes we understand something cognitively yet until we have fully processed the thoughts and emotions behind them–sometimes with outside help–we are incapable of fully knowing and integrating the lesson. For me, it partly has to do with my desire to always understand, to know why…why things happen, why things are the way they are, why people are a certain way or another, or why they may behave one way or another.
When I made the decision to take time off from social media, which to be honest I mostly use to share my work, some jokes and music I may like on that particular day–I am not really one to spend time looking at people’s pages; if it comes up on my feed while I am sharing my work, great…if not, no biggie. I also don’t like to “chat” online other than to respond to serious inquiries regarding counselling or my writing. I won’t deny there have been the odd times where I have use such media to communicate with friends who are far away or one or two souls I found deep and interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I love people and helping them, but I also enjoy my moments of solitude or the few people I am close to. I prefer interacting with people in person vs. social media; that is just the way I am.
Since I took time off I have been submerging back to my Tantric/Shamanic practices; aligning my centers and building creative energy in order to explore life, which is something little by little I am getting back to. I realized although I meditate regularly, I hadn’t left much time to enjoy life–my life reduced itself to work, family, writing and dwelling on things for which I won’t ever have answers–while my mind was busy trying to figure those things out, they were just sucking my energy–that’s the nerd in me.
I have also come to realize, my insomnia also had to do with the fact I’ve been a bit afraid to fully engage with life again; I had a serious surgery not too long ago, I know my body is still recuperating but perhaps I was being too cautious, letting fear take over instead of being a guide.
These days as I am realigning and making plans; I realize that despite the ups and downs, I have always been in love with life–it is my first love, guide, friend, family. My loved ones mean the world to me, but the deep feeling of being connected to life, has always been first and I think that is how it should be….we should be in love with life, don’t you think? I know to anyone who hasn’t been able to experience emotions to their fullest (god and bad), what I am saying probably sounds unrelatable; however, those whose spirit feel connected to the fountain, the primordial force of life, to its magick; there is nothing surprising or shocking about what I just confessed….
Life, you know how much I fall in love you and how much comfort I find in you. You know my good and bad sides, my light and my darkness. During my darkest hours you have been my mentor, my guide, my comfort. You are not just a word reminding I am human; you remind me I am divine despite my sins or rather because of them or with them. You have taught me to value each experience that came my way and cherish it; either for its lesson or the elation it brought me.
You really don’t need an introduction, you know this letter is for you. You seduce me with everyone of your expressions, so many layers to explore, so many people and situations to discover. I was starting to fall into sleeping existence, yet you chose insomnia to be the tool by which you have waken me up back to life. You saw the incongruency starting to take place in my life, the doubt over rigid moralistic views and you brought forth new wings. Without thinking, I was falling pray to society’s cage; letting them determine what is moral, wrong or right for me…unable to make the right choices to honor my own path and what defines me instead of what society determines I should do–a path free of self destruction and free of self abuse, but also free of false moralistic rigidness….You reminded me it all comes down to motivation.
Day after day I called for you to guide me, to help me understand and you did. You shook me up, woke me to my own magick and whisper “Gypsy…it’s your life”. So now I take your hand once more, as I clearly understood that I can balance my essence and all that makes m e with everything that surrounds me. You came to free me from my mental cage, reminding me how this unique balance of self works to satisfy all my needs, desires, wants, while growing. You reminded of what is important to me and how I can stay true to my word while enjoying the gifts you have brought and will bring to my life. As I look around each day, I can feel you, and it is soothing to know all those times I called for you, you were hearing me, and were preparing everything so it may fit, understand and resonate with who I am.
Through every vibration and the elation of my own soul, your message I hear clearly “Take my hand, we will explore and create together”. You have brought joy and peace back to my life; which were much needed.
I now understand, that through my fears and constant questioning–wanting to understand why–I was reopening old wounds, allowing external situations, people, to reopen wounds I have worked so hard to heal. Like a loving parent and beautiful guide, you extended your hand saying “I got you. Let me show you how it is done”. With you by my side, I know the choices I am making are the right ones for me and those I love while honoring my uniqueness, my own path…honoring me. No wonder you are here; to remind me you express yourself in me differently. To remind me my life is not meant to reflect the cookie cut version we are often taught; my path was chosen by me and you long before I came into this world.
I thank you even for the weeks past, for in them I learned new things; good and bad; about myself and others. Thank you for reminding me I can’t presume to know the heart and mind of others, just like they don’t know mine. The only thing that matters is knowing my heart, my mind, body and soul…knowing my ow motivation for doing or not doing things.
Thank you for reminding me that for energy to grow, it needs to be focused on those things, situations and people who love you, encourage you, are direct with you and accept you as you are. Those situations and people who can make your mind be at peace, your heart sing and your spirit soar. Those who infuse your magical fire rather than those who would like you to submit in order to gain acceptance of others.
Life you have renewed my faith, my strength and my longing to discover more of you through everyone of your expressions. I feel open to welcome all that you have in store for me; people and situations; as much as I look forward to playing more of my guitar, to compose more, to look at my patients with renewed eyes, so they may see hope is not all they have.
I want to visit more museums and read more books. I want to try new flavors and share them with my loved ones and friends. I want to dance again, box and go on hikes without being overly cautious; watching my body transform itself back to strength and vibrancy. I want to sit by the ocean and sing as the water caresses my feet. I want to feel the birds land on my hand as they shyly collect the food I offer. I want to travel and ride horses once more. More importantly I want to submerge my naked body in the cold rivers and oceans; for to me, that is where I feel more connected to you…where you and I become one. My own unique path of communicating with you.
Life I thank you for those who love me and “see” me. You know you will always be my first love…I am in love with you…thank you for loving this wild petite, weird, nerdy gypsy back the way you do.
P. S: I am ready…let’s do this!