None of us likes to feel pain, why would we? but not liking to feel pain does not equate to not needing to confront pain in order to become more coherent in our own lives. Most times, people tend to become impostors of their own lives; this means, they will do anything to avoid any painful memories and will extend or distort their past or the happy moments–this is done thinking one is protecting one’s self esteem yet all we are doing is perpetuating the problem.
Some live by the motto that to be happy one needs to have a short memory or a bad memory. We are often told everyone goes through misfortunes and it all comes down to the prism by which we look at the memories; this is true but only in balance and only when not denying the bad, dark or painful parts of our past. To focus only one the nice things in our lives, promotes a false sense of positivity (making of us an impostor) which in reality is toxic to ourselves and our self development.
Knowing where we failed, where we went wrong, what hurt and what made us cry, allows us to know ourselves and the world. No specie would evolve if they had no memory or accurate memory of the past; this simple yet important concept needs to be at the forefront of our minds–if you want to heal, if you want to evolve, then you got to be willing to confront your own darkness, to accept the fact we often lie to ourselves about how good we are in order not to face that which hurts; yet by facing the painful memories, we actually reclaim who we are, and that builds a healthy loving self esteem. The evolution of all species and the evolution of our mind and soul depends on accurate memory of our lives.
It doesn’t mean we should ruminate on the past; for those who battled with PTSD and depression, often one has no choice as memories of the past haunt us in our sleep; even so, during our waking ours we should strive to recollect things as they were. You don’t have to focus on the past; that would not be healthy; but you can choose to look at your past and remember it only in relevance to when is needed.
To deceive ourselves, making ourselves more congenial is not being positive–being genuinely positive is when you can face your past and still look at the silver lining; not running away from your past, but healing it. Just like people who purposely like to victimize themselves, only remembering the bad within their lives; there are those who purposely remember only the good (often exaggerating it), nothing bad seems to have taken place in their lives–that is B.S for after all, unless we were raised in a bubble (even then), we all have experienced painful memories–at the end the result of imposing “positivity” ends up being just as useless and toxic for our self healing and growth as it is to victimize ourselves.
None of this means, you have a duty to tell your story to everyone; just like you get to decide who enters your inner circle, only you get to decide with whom you share your life story with; however, make sure the lines are well defined instead of blurred by the desire to showcase only the “pretty” about your life, forgetting any delusion you present to others, will eventually lead to disappointment.
If we cannot learn to draw the lines between not dwelling on our past vs hiding our past and only showcasing that which we feel other will find “acceptable” or “desirable”, eventually the mind will be incapable to discern what is reality from fantasy–a very dangerous place to be, for if you can’t remember your past accurately, your chances of healing and growing becomes less and less; despite all your “positive” efforts. In repressing our past, we create confusion, self-deception and bring forth unnecessary suffering; such suffering compounds as one becomes trapped by the mask of positivity and congeniality.
In denying your memories, you are denying your own identity. Remember things as they were; even if they were extremely painful. Remember not just those who did you harm but also your wrong actions; for none of us have made it through life without hurting others in one way or another–anyone who says otherwise is trying to past for perfect and perfection does not exist.
Do not fear remembering things accurately, in doing so, you will integrate; integration leads to coherency, which leads to evolution of self. For some learning to look at the past accurately will mean total rupture, for others it will mean sudden or subtle changes and yet for others it may feel like nothing has changed in form but it will in background.
To not remember things as they were, is to choose not to make peace with your past, and this will come back to haunt you when you are least prepared. More importantly, not remembering implies denying the value of everything you lived, survived and learned–in doing so you are denying your real value as a human being in exchange for false acceptance. To release the past, you got to make peace with the past. Not making peace with your past denies you the possibility of evolving towards what you have always wanted and what you most certainly deserve…a congruent, more fulfilled life.
"Release the past, capture the present and embrace the future" -Billy Cox-