In the past I have written a bit on topics such as Soul-Sexual and Polyamory in relations to subjects regarding sexuality and relationships, because of that I received many questions and comments regarding these topics. After reading the questions and comments over and over again, it became clear to me that a lot of people are confused about these topics or simply assume the “modern” definitions; which usually have become corrupted and are used more to normalize unhealthy behavior. As such, I decided to write on these subjects not only from a Psychological and Gnostic perspective but also from personal experience as I consider myself a “Soul-Sexual” person who experienced Polyamory relationships. I hope by writing this to help dissipate the ignorance and taboo on these subjects; perhaps by doing so, people will no longer confuse the terminologies, hopefully losing fear towards these subjects and will no longer be easily deceive on what these terminologies actually entail.
SOUL-SEXUAL: Soul Sexual is not the same as Sexual Inversion (Sexual Psychology) or Soul Sexed (Anthropology), Soul Sexual is a relatively new term. I first heard of it when my current life partner was trying to describe who I am. He is the first person I ever heard use that term and it fitted me quite well; years later we were surprised to start hearing others use it and soon it was on the radio, etc. I can’t say for sure Barry originated the term but to me he might as well have. Soul Sexual is a person who is not attracted to gender or looks but to the soul inside the object of their affection.
During my years of study and therapy, I came across the terms:
“Pansexual” (someone attracted to a particular personality)
“Sapiosexual” (someone attracted to intelligence) and
“Bi-sexual” (someone attracted to males and females mostly based on physical attractiveness)
Often people tried to use those terms to describe who I am; however, I always rejected them for they didn’t quite fit. I am a person with many edges and facets and although I do prefer certain types of personality, I never felt attracted to someone simply because that person had traits specific to one personality type. I am also someone who loves interesting, intelligent conversations; however, it didn’t mean if someone was a nerd I would feel an attraction. Lastly during the time I did Lingerie modeling while attending school, I went out with a couple of “male models”; the reason I said yes wasn’t because they were “hot”, rather there was something particular about them in comparison to the rest who bored me with their superficiality.
I’ve always known in my core who I am is a peculiar human being, who loves people based on something else, something deeper; regardless of gender, regardless of a specific personality or whether or not that person is considered “intelligent” by others. When Barry first used the term Soul-Sexual on me, I knew it was the right description and have used that term to describe myself ever since.
I have worked extensively on my traumas and still do; at times having been called “ruthless” towards myself because I like things to be open and direct. I do not like the idea of letting my traumas dictate who I am nor do I ever want to “preach” something I have not attempted myself. In order to better understand myself, my sexuality and to be able to separate “trauma” from whom I was created to be at my “core”, I needed to push myself. As such I have taken quite an extensive look at my life, rediscovering time and time again that Soul-Sexual is not something I was made into but something that was part of me from the beginning.
I remember the first time I said I did not care for what a person looked like or if it was boy or girl; I was 9 years old. My aunts and their cousins were talking about men, boys, love. One of them asked if I found any particular “friend” of mine “cute”; perhaps it was just my age then but my answer has always felt real. I remember clearly saying “boy, girl, cute or not; I want to marry someone who loves me for who I am”. I remember my grandmother; who was giving the cook instructions on how to arrange the table; she stopped and gave me a fond look. She came up to me and held me close, showering me with kisses (I didn’t use to talk much as a child. Partly due to one side of my personality. Partly due to the abuse I was being subjugated to but which I kept quiet from all my grandparents).
At the age of 11 was my first kiss; it was from a boy. Someone I liked because of whom he was; he had green eyes, freckles, nerdy. He was popular with the girls but he seem oblivious to it; he was an old soul–even at that age we talked about life and its mysteries. At the age 12, a young lady named Sarah and I became very close; she was also an old soul and as life had it, she was familiar with sacred geometry/history and other topics I was raised with. Her life was vastly different, she grew up surrounded by a loving family and had more or less an “ideal” childhood; however there was a sadness within her, a sadness I recognized for it was also within me. The type of sadness I am referring to goes beyond traumas, is a sadness ones feels for as long as one can remember. It leaves you feeling as if you don’t fit in. It’s like your body is that of a child/young person but your mind/soul knows more and feels so much older–you end up feeling “stuck”. It makes it hard to relate to peers your own age; you still want to play and be free but also know there are so many layers to life. With adults you feel as if they can understand some of it; some seem to get it, others seem bitter and you wonder where all the magic they were supposed to have within went.
Anyway she was the first girl I felt close to in more ways than just as friends. She was the first person I told about what was happening to me, she held me and cried with me. She was angry and wanted to rip them all apart. One afternoon after receiving news of my grandfather’s passing, I went into shock…My grandfather was one of my greatest mentors; he passed just as Sarah and I decided we were going to tell him what was happening to me. She was the only person I accepted to converse with after receiving the news and just as she was leaving she turned around and said “I love you”. I knew she didn’t mean it in the way a friend says it to another and I confirmed that when for my birthday she wrote me a poem and kissed me. Somehow I knew I couldn’t tell those around me nor did I want to. Later when I got moved to another school, I told my grandmother. I was helping her brush our horses and it just felt natural to tell her what had happened. My grandmother was a Catholic, my grandfather was Shamanic and Masonic. She looked at me and asked as if it was just the most natural thing to talk about “Do you like boys or do you like girls?” She sensed my confusion. I told her I knew some boys and some girls were considered attractive but it really wasn’t a big deal to me. She explained to me the difference between liking someone’s appearance and what love felt like, then she asked “Do you feel you love boys or girls?” I replied “I love the soul. I know that makes me a freak, that is why I don’t tell anyone else but you”. She held me close and said “But you are such a beautiful freak, and what is a freak but someone that sees the world differently. There is nothing wrong with who you are; God didn’t make us all the same, for God doesn’t express itself in only way. There are many paths to God, remember that, and many types of love. The way you love is beautiful because you can see past Maya (the illusion). Don’t let anyone make you feel bad, maybe you will grow up and decide you rather just love boys or just girls, maybe you will always love the soul; it is not for me to tell you which path you should follow; it is for God to decide”. Since then most of my relationships were with males. I dated two women, one of them, I held a very close and serious relationship with.
Maybe reading the above can help you better understand what a Soul-Sexual person is and perhaps you will also understand why I am against the pushing of children to one particular idea. I have been heavily criticized for being against any agenda that pushes children towards the delusion they have no sex or the indoctrination of their minds towards others forms of love as retaliation to the old “patriarchal system”. Let children, be children. Why do we need to indoctrinate them? Why such rush to push them towards hormone therapy and the denying of their physical gender? If it is true; as it was for me; that they are being called by life (not by their parents, the system, traumas or an agenda) then they will be just fine waiting until their mind is mature enough to make those decisions on their own. I am a Soul-Sexual person in a Female expressed body; I don’t have to deny the physiology of my body to prove my point; that would be insanity. Let us accept our kids without indoctrinating them and give them the “Right” to grow up and make their ow decisions. Just because I love differently, doesn’t mean I was going to raise my children pushing them one way or the other. I respect their inclinations, for as my grandmother said, God (Life) will express itself; whom they love will be their choice; all I can do is teach them to be true to their nature, true to themselves and to respect the way others love. So long as something isn’t born out of a desire to escape wounds or a desire to hurt oneself, one is free to love–after all when love is pure, nothing bad comes out of it.
POLYAMORY: This particular way of carrying life is nothing new, it has been there since the beginning of times. Unfortunately the term within our modern society has become tainted and is use to describe someone who carries a promiscuous life style or is into sex swaps. Both of those ways of life are completely different than what Polyamory actually is.
The term Polyamory has been defined as loving more than one person at once; with respect, trust and honesty for all partners. The origin of the word in Latin says it clearly (Latin is not a language that leaves a lot to interpretation hence its accuracy)– Poly (many) Amor (love). It does not say Poly Sexus (sex), for that would be more accurate for those who seek promiscuity, orgies or swapping partners. However; in an effort to normalize such conduct (which is usually the result of running away from self; masquerading as freedom) people who are into multiple sexual partners like to use the word Polyamory–but just because they use it in that context, doesn’t make it true.
As someone who knows exactly what real polyamory is, I can tell you there is nothing in common between someone who likes to have multiple sex partners and someone who is part of a Polyamory life style. What appealed to me about the polyamory life style was the honesty.
For a while I was tired of breaking up with people, I can honestly say, I’ve not ever experienced someone breaking up with me; I don’t say that callously, on the contrary I was tired and sad of breaking up with people. The moment they got too close, was the moment I chose to end it. Out of ignorance I tried an arranged “stable” relationship, forcing myself to be there hoping to break the cycle–I figured if the other party kept claiming to be happy in the relationship, then I needed to stay. After all, by then I had come to the conclusion I was the problem and perhaps if I forced myself to stay I would somehow break the cycle I had created. Thankfully God has created me with a very rebellious spirit; even when I don’t recognize. Within the relationship I found myself so far away from my center, I couldn’t feel the magic and divinity of life, I couldn’t see myself as a better person; I was a liar, I was pretending all was good. I didn’t want to hurt anyone by breaking up again so I kept working on it, but you can’t work on something when you are just pretending to be someone you are not. It took a catalyst, which drove me further into depression and for which I tried to take my life. I realized it wasn’t just me who was lying to myself but so was he. It was at that point where I was force to make a choice; keep living like a zombie or be true to myself. I didn’t want to go back to empty dating but I also didn’t want to remain somewhere that was killing the best in us. That is when life pushed me to look in, to change paths (relationship and career wise). Thankfully one of the best in the field of Psychotherapy (someone who didn’t believe in numbing the mind, who understood the correlation between mind and spirit) became my therapist and later my mentor.
After some time in therapy, finding myself again despite all the criticism; it was my mentor who suggested to give dating a try. I told him I was afraid because of past precedence, I didn’t want to be asked to make a commitment, neither did I have a desire to sleep around. No matter how many people I dated, it was mostly kissing and mental teasing. As a Tantric I knew I didn’t’ need to share my body (unless I wanted to) to make someone feel psychologically or physiologically fulfilled. Although most people assumed I dated a lot because I “must have liked sex”, they were wrong. I have the outmost respect for sex, not because I believe I will be punished by some deity but rather because mediocre empty sex isn’t my thing. Those close to me know I used to say jokingly (but true) “I would rather use tantric techniques or my vibrator and have a better orgasm than to share myself with someone who has not clue what they are doing”
As such when my therapist and mentor suggested it was time for me to start opening up to people; allowing them to meet me as a whole; I was petrified. He then talked about dating people slowly and not just one person. As a Tantric I had heard the term Polyamory before; however, I also knew in this day and age, most who claim to be polyamorous are really promiscuous and that was not what I was seeking. Once again Life, God or whatever you want to call it, came through in all its wisdom. There is such a truth to the saying we attract that which we resonate with; I started opening myself up. I started dating, making it clear I was not seeking to date anyone exclusively nor to waste their time if what they were looking for was someone to take to bed for the night; for unless a person arouses my mind/soul, I don’t feel the desire to have casual empty sex. For me sex is spiritual, as such I need to feel a deep connection but it is also physical and mental; as such if and when I do have it; I like to blow the mind of the person I am sharing myself with and vice versa while feeling connected the entire time.
For a while I was dating 3 different people and we were all in the same journey. We all considered ourselves real polyamory; this means no lies, no pretenses no demands. We all understood the reason we were being part of that life style wasn’t because “we had so much love to share”–we just didn’t like the idea of committing to one person. We understood we were there because we were learning and healing. Real polyamory tend to embrace that life style because they were hurt in life and have a deep fear; what if the other person turns out to be your worst nightmare? Just like there are people who would rather not have children because they had a crappy childhood and do not trust themselves to be good parents; people who are serious about polyamory are afraid to hurt someone else or to be hurt the way others abused them earlier on. Yes we were afraid but at least we weren’t out there faking “confidence”. A polyamorous lifestyle however, does allow room to share those traumas (it is not empty dating), working through the process until organically one might choose to commit to a person (for a while or permanently). The beauty of Polyamory lies within the fact that it provides a safe space to build rapport, to be open and honest about oneself and what needs healing. The connection is built based on the core of people vs. simply having a “friends with benefits” style of relationship.
As you can see, Polyamory isn’t about spreading the love as some hippies like to say. Polyamory is about love; learning to love yourself and loving a few others with which you built rapport–sexuality can be part of it; if an when you are ready; which usually happens after you have built trust and known each other. However, you can be in a polyamory relationship and simply not have sex, as sex is not the focus. It is about loving honesty; no games, no lies, no pretenses, no secrets to be discovered; it’s about respect for one another and the helping of one another towards healing. It’s about gratitude towards those who helped you walk your journey while they worked on theirs; building a deep intimate connection.
I hope now you have a clear nonsense idea of what Soul-Sexual and Polyamory actually mean. I am not here to judge how others chose to love; my focus is simply to help others realize, one can love from a deep place instead of the superficial. If you believe in monogamy and have liked monogamy all your life and that is what works for you; no lies, no B.S, no staying together because of duty or what others might think, then good for you. If you are heterosexual and that works for you, all the more power to you. Being monogamous, being heterosexual or gay have nothing to do with who a person is, for the beauty of a person isn’t reflected through the following of any dogma but through their actions towards themselves and others.
All I would like is for you to discover the beauty of accepting yourself with all your flaws and quirks and knowing when those are part of you and when those were coping mechanisms created to protect you. Learning to differentiate what you need to shed and heal and what is part of you and makes who you are; for the real you, is magic!
“If there is no real communication accepting one’s gifts and flaws, then there is no respect. If there is no respect then there is no caring. If there is no caring then there is no understanding. If there is no understanding then there is no compassion. If there is no compassion then there is no empathy. If there is no empathy then there is no acceptance for the real self. If there is no real acceptance then there is no kindness. If there is no kindness then there is no honesty. If there is no honesty then there is no love. I rather have honest raw imperfect relationships than the illusion of perfection; seek to be you over seeking recognition”