PRELUDE

The following poem was the result of an introspective exercise given to me by a mentor.  I don’t know about you but at times I struggle seeing the beauty within me, as at those times I let the judgement of others and the residual memories of long ago traumas hit.  I am a fighter but I do not like to lie to myself.  I know how deep my wounds ran and how much of a rollercoaster I can be, because of that at times I can be very hard on myself and struggle accepting love.  I am not someone who expresses love to everyone except to those very close to me, then I express it completely; as if I want to give that which I wasn’t given, so those close to me don’t ever forget just how much they mean to me.  I want them to know their support and their love is valued. Although living with PTSD is something that in many ways fuels my work and pushes me to do better, my biggest challenge still remains accepting that PTSD doesn’t define me as a partner; that having it doesn’t make me a burden or unworthy of receiving love.  Although at times I have questioned my life and doubted my ability to help others because of it,  as I’ve submerged on my own healing I have come to accept more and more my natural talents and my abilities….  “Don’t doubt yourself you are talented”, “You deserve all the love in the world”, “What you do for others is impressive and beautiful”, “Don’t doubt your calling”, “Because you have known pain, self doubt, you can understand better”, ” the best therapists/guides are the ones who wrestle with their demons” , “You are unforgettable”…..all of those are no longer  just words said to me by professors, mentors, clients, lovers– they have more and more become my mantra.

When did we stop believing in ourselves?.  Why do we let others determine who we are? Why do we let others have pity on us? Pity is limiting, all it does is set others to see us as less than… damaged.  Compassion isn’t pity.  Many people confuse compassion with Pity, they don’t want to say they pity someone because of what that entails, they mask their pity with the word compassion, but compassion isn’t ego.  Real compassion is empathy, is understanding what the other person went through but also believing on that person’s abilities and gifts and cheering them on.   If you struggle with depression, PTSD, DID, lack of self worth or self love…if you see yourself as damaged in any way, please don’t believe the voice of the hurt child inside, instead teach that unhealed part of you differently and give it all the love it needs.   No one in this life is perfect, no one in this life has it together.  Take the time to write down the things you like to do, the things you and those close to you think you are good at doing and every time the past comes knocking or others try to hurt you, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself “I am beautiful because I am me.  I deserve love because I am love, I am good at…..(say what you are good at) I am strong because I am still here and I choose to live because I have so much of life to explore and so much of my own wisdom to share”

The exercise my mentor gave me was to first write down all the good things lovers past and present had ever said to me and to write a poem using their perspective.  The following poem is what I ended up with.  Although the exercise made me a bit uneasy at first I am glad I did it….remember there are those who think you are beautiful with all your imperfections, you don’t have to hide who you are…more importantly keep working on you and embracing the beauty, the love that lies within you.

 

GYPSY SPELL

Yet another sleepless night
Waiting for your memory to leave my mind
What type of witchcraft has your gypsy soul put on me?
My bed feels more like a lifeboat
Without purpose or course
Other than to navigate the immense sea of memories
Letting my mind give in to fanciful fantasies
My longings gives rise to the memory of your silhouette
You, always you…
Taking hold of my soul even in when I seek to sleep
My body tired angrily demands your presence
Trying to somehow fulfill its unsatisfied desires
You will never know just how much you’ve taught me
You will never understand the hold you have on me
I was reborn the days our lips first met
With you and for you I became a better man
Yet my ego still pushed through
I took the one who loved me most for granted
Pushing you to walk away
There is nothing and no one from my past I want more
I miss the beautiful shy girl who woke me up to new horizons
I miss the rollercoaster which was our life

The girls who was crazy and wild
But with me…only with me…
I miss now being by your side to help wipe your tears
As you wrestled with your demons through dark times
I miss the intoxicating smile you gave me each time you made it through
I remember you then saying “I love you”
I remember how my arms used to embrace you
As I smile at the memory a pang of pain brings me back
Reminding me you are no longer here
The lethargy of my reverie ends
I bring back myself accepting my loss
Your lips will no longer kiss mine
Your brown eyes will no longer stare into my soul
Your head will no longer rest on my chest
My fingers will no longer explore your valleys
The scent of your dark hair will no longer intoxicate me
The question “do you love me?” I will no longer hear
Fool me, who ever took you for granted
A million lives I would give just to share one more with you
Yet the Gods do not hear my incessant pleading
They do not care for my cries
They have made their decree
And you are to be no longer mine
All I have is the consolation of seeing you in my dreams
Wishing you would walk in and once more be by my side
All I have left is your spell
And the desire to once more make you mine!