We all know life is full of ups and downs, at times however it’s winds of change can become deeply unpleasant. They can shake the very core of our foundation and leave us feeling afraid and questioning why a negative event is taking place. Those times can cause such a disturbance in our lives, taking away all peace and energy. Hard times are usually followed by winds of positive change, winds which can give back meaning to our lives, vitality and affection. These are the two winds of change; some strong and hard to deal with, others full of joy and peace.
But what happens when these winds become powerful whirlwinds that drag us along?. Sometimes these winds (specially the one which we tend to consider negative), can come when you least expect it and hit you with such brutality which leaves you questioning the very meaning of your life. That is exactly what I experienced recently; an event in my life which shook the very foundation I have worked so hard to build. The worst part about the whole thing was to accept where the blow came from. Sometimes we put trust on people who due to many factors in life (wounds, immaturity, inability to take responsibility for their own actions, trauma, etc.) do not even consider what the side effects of their choices will be. It is a sad thing when someone directly/indirectly creates a problem and then stands on the side watching all the chaos they have caused but do nothing to resolve it. I feel it is extremely saddening when people confuse neutrality with inability to take responsibility and face life head on.
After the event I was left shocked and confused. Shocked because the whole event had really nothing to do with me, yet I had been picked as the escape goat. Imagine the feeling when someone close to you asks you if you can help them and you go out of your way to do so, only to be told later on their plans have changed. No consideration for how much you had to change your life or your plans in order to be of assistance. The worst part is when there are so many mixed up stories/excuses making it hard to identify what is real and what is not. Imagine my frustration and sadness when that person is eventually confronted by people in his/her life and instead of taking the necessary steps to face their situation, they now blame you for not helping them. Not just that, but they allow others to try to abuse you mentally for not having been of assistance to someone who supposedly was in distress. At that moment you are left wondering why didn’t that person tell the whole story. For me I was also left thinking “I should have seen this coming; why did I even bother when I knew this would happen”. Why? because I wanted to believe people could change!. I do believe people can change but sometimes one has to be careful not to go out on a limb for people whose actions have yet to prove a positive change. It is natural for any of us to have the desire to believe that those relatively close to us can change and stop behaving in ways which are detrimental to their own self and others.
Being faced by the chaos and blame which was not mine to take, the verbal accusations left me feeling I was loosing everything I found safe in my life. We all have that one person or persons in our lives who made the most impact (positively or negatively). If the latter, it may be a person whom we may have always hoped to have a loving, healthy relationship. Due to human conditioning/wiring we still find ourselves at times looking for that person’s approval (be it a parent, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, etc.) Someone who had a lot of say in our lives and the events which took place. One can be left feeling alone, frustrated, hurt, specially when one is erroneously confronted by someone whom you may have hoped to one day have a close relationship with; you find that person once more not willing to listen to reason and facts because they are too busy listening to the other party who is unwilling to take responsibility for his/her actions and who keeps putting the blame on everyone else.
I was left with my head spinning facing painful realities which I had considered resolved. I was left reliving painful memories, along with feelings of betrayal and anger. I had to allow myself to feel all the emotions and face the reality that there are still wounds within me which are yet to heal. Wounds life saw fit to bring back up so I may take a closer look, providing me with the opportunity to take the steps necessary towards my own healing by learning to re-evaluate my position and setting clear cut boundaries.
In previous blogs, I have written about the beauty of life and it’s perfect balancing plan; how life is always pushing us towards our own healing. It may feel painful at times but all life is trying to do is give us the opportunity to face life, to face ourselves. The healing process may come bottled as if it was something ugly, hurtful, something you did not need, but THAT is where healing is found. Life uses events, people to help us continue evolving.
Of course for me it was painful to face all of it. Most of us don’t want to look back at negative events which in many ways shaped us throughout life. We go to extreme lengths to avoid ever feeling the helplessness we may have felt; specially growing up. When you do take a step back and allow yourself to feel all of it, without judging it as negative or positive, it is then you realize the events you ran from may have taken parts of you away but not the best parts!. I kept reminding myself this because it is the truth. Painful experiences hide within them wisdom, beauty, renewal. Life needed to put me through this so it may take away from me emotions of fear and helplessness. It was life’s way of reminding me “you are no longer the lonely, helpless child. You can do this”.
Like most of us, I have gone through these tough whirlwinds of change many times over. Of course at those times I have wished for the events not to be so brutal, yet looking back, I am conscious that had they not hit that hard I would not be the person I am today. Although at those times I was left feeling, naked, hurt, violated; feeling life took it all from me; I now recognize it did not. It took what it needed to take and left me with the most important parts. The parts which would shape me into who I am, the parts in me which are beautiful and still believes in the wonders of life.
The Tsunami which we may feel took most of the things we valued, also took from us many things we no longer needed within. If we can learn to recognize this, then we can feel lighter and able to breathe again. It is not easy to learn to trust again after a negative experience and it is natural that the more negative experiences one has experienced the harder it is to learn to trust your self and your surroundings. What I would like for all of us to do, is to try to look at things in a different way. Whether you believe in God, Universe, force, whatever you choose to call it, IT IS LIFE. I am asking all of us to start learning to trust life.
If you are not ready to trust people, that’s okay…baby steps. I believe, the more one learns to trust the process of life, the more one learns to trust self, as consequence we learn to trust others and our surroundings. It won’t happen overnight; it is a process!.
There will be people who won’t understand, who will walk away. If that happens, please try to understand all is as it should be. All happens for a reason and those who are meant to be part of your life will be. That is the beauty of life, always pushing us towards our own healing, towards those who will make the most impact in our lives, towards those who matter and who are able to see the beauty in us regardless of how complicated, painful or disturbing our lives may have been.
Sometimes it feels like a privilege/a great accomplishment to have endured, survived the moments which left us lost, alone, hurt, and with nothing. Not everyone will find the meaning/reason for the process of life because we all want results in the now. We want to be able to understand and to feel in control. The “meaning”, the “gift” such events carry within them are not to be found in the moment in which they occur, rather they are to be found in the future; in the person life is shaping you to be. How you turn out will be your choice, life is giving you options; learn and evolve or don’t learn and choose self regret/self victimization. The more we train ourselves to look at life as a process, full of ups (joys) and downs (lessons), the less we will have to wait to find the meaning or to enjoy the gifts the experiences we considered negative carried within them.
The more you learn what you need to learn, the more agile your soul becomes. The more you learn what it takes for you to evolve, to get ahead, to be happy within you, the fuller life will become. And just like a caring best friend, life once more soothes you, comforts you, protects you, fills you with laughter, magic, wonder. One of the most important things however is noticing that with each “negative” event you are no longer the same, you get stronger, smarter, more compassionate without allowing yourself to be victimized. You learn to walk away and develop true dignity. You are no longer the same, YOU ARE BETTER!. You learn to look at life’s “downs” as lessons, nothing more. More and more you learn to breathe, to identify yourself with the moment. Less and less the past defines you, and if someone/something negative from your past lures to your present, you learn to see it for what it is. It can no longer hurt you. You are no longer the same person you were. Life has brought you to a place where you are exactly surrounded by the things and the people you need at this moment, and the past simply remains the past. Such wisdom could not have imprinted in your soul had life not pushed you to your evolvement, forced you to look in, to discover your own beauty and strength. Although it hurt, life was there to later cradle you, to love you and once more show you just how much you are capable of.
Yes we are human but we are also divine. We are worthy of love and no one can hurt us more than we allow them to. You are not the experiences of your past, you are the result of what you have learned from them!.