Living with PTSD means some days will be better than others. No matter how much I have overcome, there are days in which my PTSD level will be quite high; today was one of those days.
I have come to accept and to embrace days like this. This may seem odd to some, after all why should I embrace the feelings of fear, despair, pain, confusion, among others?…
I will tell you why, because by accepting and embracing the feelings I do not get stuck in an old traumatic moment nor holding on to old patterns of beliefs/fears, on the contrary by allowing myself to feel the discomfort, pain, and all that comes with it, I allow myself to get rid of it, to release, to breathe again, to heal.
When one simply denies your body’s way of talking, one is simply putting off feelings which will come back intensified. Your body/your soul knows better than anyone how to heal itself. People go through life afraid of feeling pain, seeing pain as something which is to be feared, hated, avoided. Pain is not the problem, the problem is our misconception of what it is and what it does.
Pain is your body’s way of making you aware that something inside of you needs your attention, needs your love. It helps you to look in deep and helps you resolve that which you don’t want to face.
Pain helps you vomit all the trauma, the misguided ideas or ways of looking at things. Until one is willing to vomit all the trauma out of your system, avoiding is simply giving it a place in your life, allowing room for trauma to grow and to cripple you.
Tantra explains beautifully how one should not deny the body but rather work with it, to become fluid with all its emotions so one may open all chakras and allow your energy to flow freely, miracously, creatively.
Pain is not the enemy; to feel pain is not something anyone looks forward to; I certainly don’t; but I have come to see the gift which arises from embracing it. At first it may bring you down to your knees, for me it can get to the point where I can feel very cold, and can’t stop shaking, I easily cry, and it can become hard to identify why I feel the way I do. Talking helps, although the shock can be so much that words seem to escape and I may feel as if someone simply has taken my vocal chords away; still I stay with the feeling. Today I held on and held on and reminded myself to be gentle with myself. Reminding myself to be gentle with me first has become my mantra, for in accepting who I am and embracing it, I allow myself to feel loved, a deep love for me, and only then can I offer that emotion to anyone.
True, all the things that happened were not pleasant and I would not wish them even upon my worst enemy. I however choose to see them as lessons, part of me, not a part to feel ashamed about, but rather to embrace because without it I would not be who I am today. It is that pain, working through those experiences which have taken me to an entirely different path than I had ever expected. I don’t know where life will take me but I am enjoying the ride; one which I would not be part of, had my life not shaped me for it.
Embracing the pain has made me stronger, but also less rigid. I stand for what I believe, I am opinionated about not simply turning the other cheek when others keep abusing you. I don’t preach vindictiveness, I preach the ability to walk away from those who seek to put you down, because you are worth it. All your scars are beautiful, they have contributed to you becoming someone whose soul and mind is deeper than average because you allowed yourself to swim in places which most people don’t like to look in. Sometimes you just need to be reminded of that.
If it wasn’t for all of it, and embracing it all, I would still be a victim. I choose to take control, to make pain my ally, to teach me.
It is through these teachings that I find myself working on projects and ideas on how to help others like me and anyone who is afraid of pain, who has been abused, who has been born or shaped by life and its events differently.
This afternoon I feel very differently than I did this morning, but that is because I allowed pain to flow with me, to guide me. I was gentle with me and I allowed my higher self to guide me.
In Tantra we say your soul is always speaking to you. Your higher self talks directly to the Universe. This may seem wacky to anyone with less knowledge of Tantra, metaphysics, but the truth is even your basic physics agrees that our human bodies emit electromagnetic frequencies. Einstein studied it intensively on it. I invite you to research it.
Our bodies, our minds are like a radio antenna, and if we allow ourselves to feel, it clears the channels for open communication with the universe. The universe is made up of perfect frequencies, and we are its extensions.
I am no guru, I am in a path of self discovery, I am simply sharing my experiences and what is working for me.
So as I started my day feeling all those familiar yet uncomfortable feelings, I allowed myself to flow. My husband and I talked. We talked about what I was feeling, why did I think I was feeling that way, and how my life is taking me to places I would not have ever dreamed of. All our plans for the day changed, as I felt a tremendous need to visit a metaphysical store, one reputable, knowledgeable. The one I used to know is now gone, and I did not feel like heading to Vancouver to explore. I wanted to find something small, cozy, that felt like family with people who knew and understood the subject, to whom the metaphysical life was not just a business. I pulled out the phone and searched, there was nothing really close by except for two places, one of which was close today. Had it not been close I would have probably gone there simply because I been there before, although I did not get the sense of what my soul was looking for. So hubby and I got in the car and headed out to this new place. After a couple of errands we got there and I was pleased; from the moment I got there I was pleased. The location was in an older part of town, with lots of antique stores which I love. I am not a huge city girl, nor I do I like fancy boisterous or loud places. I know some people do, and that is great for them, is just not my favourite thing. Everything has its time and day with me, some days I can totally enjoy a big party, a club, a fancy establishment, for the most part however I like places where I can just relax. I find usually the fancier the place the more people work hard at fitting the place instead of the other way around.
The store was small and the people were lovely. At first I was embarrassed to explain what I was doing there; I was looking for something specific; I built the nerve to say it, after all the only way I can help myself is to be honest about who I am and what I live with. I felt welcomed, embraced and understood. After some breathing exercises, signing up for a workshop, talking about my symptoms, and getting what I needed, we headed out to the cashier. One of the ladies asked my husband if there was a clone of him, which I found absolutely lovely. I was not threatened by it, she was pure, beautiful, clean and in no way disrespectful. I was flattered actually, because someone else saw why I love this man. Life has not been easy for us, nor has he always been perfect, neither have I. People and their preconceived ideas of who we are at times has been difficult to deal with. The age difference between us makes it harder for people to understand. I have had people say that I have father issues, or that he is going through some crisis. Well Yeah I do have issues, who doesn’t?. Yes he has a past, who doesn’t?. We take care of our own selves and each other, neither one using the other for a particular preconceived misguided idea which many people in society like to assume out of their own personal injuries, insecurities, unhappiness…So really to see two beautiful people of which one expressed out loud something I already know, felt really good for both of us.
To be good isn’t to be perfect, neither it is to live a life trying to pretend you are perfect. To be good isn’t trying to go helping everyone else yet not helping yourself first, pretending to understand everyone else yet when it comes to your own family or those whom you know closely judging them and treating them negatively. Being good comes in many ways, as diverse as the universe itself, being good however has nothing to do with how popular you are, or helping others as long as you get something back from it, whether monetary or recognition. Being good is about being you with everyone, without pretenses, without masks, without thinking you are better than everyone else. You are you and you are awesome, but to what extent depends not on how much you have or how many people you can impress but rather how much can you be you in a world that seeks, promotes, accepts and delivers fake.
Being a man is not about not having a past, is about learning from it, is about being you when everyone else wants you to be something else in order not to rock their comfort level. The person who never made mistakes has that much less experience to share with the world. After all mistakes really are learning experiences; they are only mistakes if one does not learn from them.
My husband and I talked about it after we went looking trough antique stores, which culminated on my treating him out to lunch, which I love doing.
Had I not listened to my soul, had I stayed at home and coward at the negative emotions which almost paralyzed me, we would have missed that experience which was beautiful and healing for both of us.
I don’t have all the answers; I doubt anyone does; but I can tell you this, when those feelings come up, let them. I know it will hurt, I know it will feel like all you want to do is push them away, DON’T, stick with them gently. Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself even if you feel your mind fights you back, and do something you love, be it having a warm bath, meditate, dance, go out to enjoy a quiet meal at a peaceful place, or whatever it is that makes your soul dance, do it!. You are worth it!.