Let’s talk about touch and sensuality. Most people do not know how to touch as they associate touch with sexual touch, as a result most people find themselves confused and lost as to what to do or how to do it. There seems to be a lot of anxiety when it comes to touch as well as concerns as to whether or not we are touching someone else properly; questions like “Is the other person going to like the way I am touching them?” “Am I doing this right?” among many others seem to be predominant in our minds whenever we feel confronted with intimately touching someone.
When it comes to intimacy the anxiety can deepen due to most people erroneously believing their partner expects them to be a sexual touch master. The problem is most people have lost the ability to understand what touch represents and the skills it requires; one of the main skills required is the ability to be present in the moment.
First of all we need to let go of the idea that touch is only sexual and start embracing it in all aspects. We need to see and accept touch as nourishing; as a connection. As mentioned earlier, one of the main skills required is the ability to be in the present moment; if you can do this and if you are coming from your heart chakra you will give beautiful loving touch. You may not have the skills of a train practitioner but your intention will certainly be translated through your touch as long as you can open your heart chakra and let your emotions express themselves through your fingers.
Many people believe all they need to do is to learn the technical skills necessary; all that does is deliver a very mechanicalized, empty touch. You need to get out of your head space and move into the present. If you have trouble doing this or if you have trouble expressing your feelings and being in touch with your emotions, I would recommend taking up yoga or meditation. There are many different ways to practice either one, you just need to find the one that works for you. What Yoga or meditation can do for you, is allow you to get in touch with your emotions which will increase your energy fields and impact how other people experience you. Remember that emotion is translated into our hands, so before you even engage with another person it’s important you engage with yourself; to allow yourself to feel the love that emanates from you and let it flow…that is what allows for touch to become something unique.
When I am touching, I don’t think of my partner in the sense of preoccupation…What do I mean by this?- I don’t concentrate on whether or not my partner is going to like the way I am touching. What I do is open my heart at that moment and allow myself to see the person as a soul, as an energy that needs love and care. I tap into my wounds in a healthy way; how do you do this?- In my case by allowing the feeling of remembering what it is to want and need love and safety. When I can bring that feeling to my conscious and transfer those emotions to the person I am touching, then I no longer see just a body but rather a human soul who needs to feel love through touch…that is how I come from my heart chakra, by transmuting negative emotional feelings/wounds store within me and allowing myself to do the opposite. The results are healing to all involved because when you allow yourself to feel and give from your heart chakra without expectation; only because you want to heal or prevent someone else from experiencing such negative feelings as loneliness and unsafety; you end up allowing love to flow. The person you are touching will feel it and when another human being feels that level of love, the natural reaction is to reciprocate.
Now let’s talk about something very important; boundaries. You want to know to what extent you can touch someone, how you can touch someone without being too intrusive and without creeping the other person out. The best way to do this is through communication. It’s not about asking for permission for everything and killing spontaneity but rather about getting to know your partner. You can do this by showing him or her how to be open. You can tell them what you like, how you like to be touch, what are your boundaries and then you can gently ask for their preferences and boundaries; that way you are not putting someone on the spot but rather letting the other person know you are willing to be vulnerable by sharing your intimate thoughts….chances are when you do this your partner will share back. If you are in a situation where you are trying to surprise someone and had no time to ask those questions, then gently say this “If you don’t like the way I touch you in any way or you would like for me to do something different please feel free to say it. No judgement” It is important however that you follow through with the non judgement part.
If you are going to try nonverbal communication and simply jump into it, then I strongly recommend you learn to PAUSE. This means when you make an initial contact you allow yourself to stop for a moment and let the energy of the physical contact become absorbed and integrated, that way the other person has a chance to decide whether or not he or she wants more of what you are giving. Doing this also sends a strong message of confidence; allow me to elaborate on what Tantra recognizes as Real Confidence…
Confidence is not about pretending you are happy all the time, that nothing bothers you, that there is no shadow within you or that you are the always positive; in other words a congenial person. Confidence is being able to embrace every emotion you experience; positive and negative; and be vulnerable enough to share that part of you with another. If you are with another person who is also confident; in the way just described; that person will value your vulnerability.
Try practicing real confidence; is not about how many people like you, is about you being real with yourself and accepting yourself with all your quirks. Do not stress over trying to compete with what most people nowadays decided to call “confident”; remember that people who live by fake confidence only attract the same.
People who are truly confident want what is real and real is accepting you are human and you have wounds; it is knowing and accepting you will have good and bad days and you don’t have to pretend in order to keep someone by your side….that is true confidence. Tantra recognizes and honors this type of confidence for you are putting yourself first by allowing all your emotions to flow. When you love yourself, you accept your wounds instead of trying to hide them, believe it or not this actually helps you exude true confidence and those who resonate with it will embrace you. Being confident is accepting there will be days you will experience negative feelings but are capable of expressing them by getting in touch with your soul and with by sharing with your partner openly. True confidence is accepting who you are but also working on your wounds, anything less than that is not confidence; is bullshit.
If you want to have an open hearted connection with someone then you have to be willing to expose yourself, to be real; real is whatever you are at your core, not what others expect you to be….let me give you a personal example…
When I am with others and depending on how I feel that day, I can come across in various ways: Sometimes shy, other times fidgety yet at other times I am an extrovert who feels totally relaxed; all of it is me. I could fake it for the sake of others liking me. I could pretend that I am this perfect person who has all her life figured out, who has no regrets, makes no mistakes and so on, but that would not be good to my own growth. Some people like me, some people don’t. Some people get me and some don’t and that is okay. I no longer stress over it as often as I used to. Why should I stress over how others expect me to be? I have to accept that there are many versions of me, each version correspondent to people’s individual perspective of who I am; but their perspective isn’t me!
As you learn to love yourself more, you start to let go of all of the need to be accepted by everyone, specially those who don’t even know you and whose opinion about you is as erroneous and as crazy as it would be to listen to a parrot theorize on the origins of life. The best thing you can do for yourself is accept yourself, live and speak your truth; if you can learn to do this, you will connect with those who resonate with you and for whom you don’t have to pretend to be perfect.
Now let’s get back to our bodies; being in touch with our bodies. In order to get in touch with others first you need to learn to be in touch with you. Many people feel shame at the idea of touching themselves or they feel the need to disassociate from the action by fantasizing. If you dissociate or fantasize you are not connecting with your body. You need to learn to relax and for no sexual reason learn to touch yourself.…Here is a suggestion: Try having a relaxing bath and close your eyes, feel the water on your skin, think how that makes you feel. After a while step out of the bathtub and lay on your bed naked and learn to gently caress your skin, all over; let me remind you that the goal here is not an orgasm, you are doing it simply to enjoy the sensations; if an orgasm happens then that is a bonus!
Learn to experience your body for if you don’t know what you like, how is anyone else going to know it? I recommend you do the above example on your bed, with candles lit in the room and soft music playing on the background. Let your emotions; not your sexual needs; take over. You may experience different emotions if you have not done this before; you may feel a bit weird about doing this, push through it. If you have done this before but you are loosing your sexiness or your sacred feminine, don’t expect a man to do it for you….keep building it. If you are not new at this but have lost touch with your sensuality then instead of doing it on your bed stand in front of your mirror and appreciate your body; let your inhibitions go, pause, look at yourself; buy a good quality oil and rub it on your skin…I do this all the time and it leaves me feeling fantastic! Warm up the oil and apply it slowly, appreciating every curve of yours. Another thing you may want to try is sensual dancing. You can do this in front of your partner or alone, it will leave you feeling so damn good!–when I do it, it gets me in touch with my sexiness and that is what I want you to experience. The first example I gave you nourishes the soul, bringing love to your heart chakra. The second one builds a healthy ego.
Sexuality is being used to just release tension; that is what the majority of our society conditions us for. If that is all you are doing with your sexuality, then all you are really doing is actually distancing yourself from the other person. Yes it is fun to have a “quickie” but sex for the sake of just sex, is actually quite damaging to your soul. One of you; if not both; will eventually feel used and the sex quality will decrease. Having sex for the sake of sex may give you an orgasm or maybe even various cathartic orgasms but later you will feel tired and disconnected from that person.
When you are intimate with someone question your intention; is you intention to feel love and give love or to simply get a release. Intention is what changes everything. The two exercises I mentioned earlier aren’t meant to simply focus on the physical, they are meant to reawaken you sensual side but real sensuality doesn’t transpire unless it is connected to your spirit and mind!.
When it comes to sexuality learn to pace yourself. Learn to touch the rest of the body rather than just touching for the sake of sexual stimulation. When you learn to touch for the sake of nourishing then you allow the natural sensual and eventually sexual energy to flow; this process is slow, it does not happen right away. The process may take an hour or two but it will awaken all of your other senses.
Just kissing and fondling for the sake of getting the other person turned on is really a waste of time. The rule is: If you are too intimidated to look at your partner for long periods of time, to gaze at their eyes, to pay attention to them, to open up your soul; then you are not ready. If the lack of personal intimacy is too great as to not be able to eye gaze, then don’t have sex with that person. If you can’t just breathe and eye gaze for at least 20 seconds with your partner then why are you taking your clothes off and having sex with that person? It may be you are just feeling empty inside; having sex for the sake of filling that void or feeling you scored; that type of attitude will turn you into a user or will put you in a position to be used. Having sex with strangers or simply because you are afraid to lose approval will further disconnect you from your soul; such conduct will only result in the inability to find satisfaction with anyone. Why would you? The pain you feel will only get bigger and deeper with every person you use to fill that void or every person you let yourself be used by; all it does is make the problem worse. Have sex, be crazy in it, don’t be shy, experiment, but do it because it feels so damn good physically and emotionally, not out of fear of losing someone or to attract someone.
Getting back to touch: Massage is one of the most beautiful ways to express it but take it slow, use gentle touch and finish it off but using airbrush touch. By then you will see your partner’s nipples all perky; if male he may have an erection. The key again is pausing, do not just go for it because of how their body responded, take your time! You can at that point incorporate some stretching, shaking, and then some more airbrushing. Stretching and shaking the body will release more of the physical tension, while airbrushing will once again soothe and arouse; all the while increasing energy build up. That way when you go to the next step, the body, mind and soul will be ready.
Airbrush is a beautiful way to let your partner know that you embrace his/her body. Through air brushing and coming from your heart chakra you let your partner know that you find no fault with their body, only beauty and this allows the other person to feel love, to receive love, which results in the ability to give love.
Here is a very important piece of advise; embrace sound, specially if you are the receiver of touch. Let your partner know how you are feeling by your way of breathing or the pleasant sounds you will make instinctively. It is very important to let go of the inability to express ourselves. Through sound your partner will know what works, will feel appreciated and you will get more of what you like.
Remember that beautiful love making is the incorporation of the following:
-Coming from your heart chakra
-Meditation (Pausing/being in the moment)
All of these help so that when you get to the point of intercourse you are deeply connected in every aspect of self and you can reach a much deeper level of pleasure.
There are tantric steps to get you there. The steps create what is called the Tantric Wave Form, but for now try the above and see how it works out for you!…