Let’s talk about touch and sensuality. Most people do not know how to touch; they associate touch with sexual touch, as a result most people find themselves confused and lost as to what to do or how to do it. There seems to be a lot of anxiety when it comes to touch as well as concerns whether we are touching someone else properly: is the other person going to like the way we touch? and so on. When it comes to intimacy the anxiety deepens, as most people think their partner expects them to be a sexual touch master, the problem is that most people have lost the ability to understand what touch represents and the skills it requires; one of the main skills being the ability to be present at the moment.
First of all we need to let go of the idea that touch is only sexual and start embracing it in all its aspects. We need to see and accept touch as nourishing, as a connection. As I mentioned earlier, one of the main skills is the ability to be in the present moment, if you can do this, and if you are coming from your heart chakra you will give beautiful loving touch. You may not have the skills of a train practitioner but your intention will certainly be translated through your touch as long as you can open your heart chakra and let your emotions express themselves through your fingers.
A lot of people think all they need to do is learn the technical skills necessary, however all that really does is deliver a very mechanicalized, empty touch. You need to get out of your head space and move into the present. If you have trouble doing this or if you have trouble expressing your feelings and being in touch with your emotions, I would recommend taking up yoga or meditation. There are many different ways to practice either one, you just need to find the one that works for you. What Yoga or meditation do for you, is allow you to get in touch with your emotions which will increase your energy fields and impact how other people experience you.
Remember that emotion is translated to our hands, so before you even engage with another person it is important that you engage with yourself, to allow yourself to feel the love that emanates from you, and let it flow. That is what allows for touch to become something unique.
You see when I am touching, I don’t think of the other person in the sense of preoccupation. What do I mean by this?- I don’t concentrate on whether or not the other person is going to like the way I am touching. What I do is open my heart at that moment, and allow myself to see the person as soul, as an energy that needs love and care. I tap into my wounds in a healthy way; how do you do this?-in my case by allowing the feeling of knowing what it is to want and need love and safety. When I can bring that feeling to my conscious and transfer those emotions to the person I am touching, then I no longer see just a body but rather a human soul who needs to feel love through touch. That is how I come from my heart chakra, by transmuting negative emotional feelings/wounds store within me and allowing myself to do the opposite. The results are healing to all involved, because when you allow yourself to feel and give from your heart chakra without expectation, only because you want to heal or prevent someone else from experiencing such negative feelings as loneliness and unsafety, you end up allowing love to flow. The person you are touching will feel it, and when another human being feels that level of love the natural reaction is to reciprocate.
Now let’s talk about boundaries, which are very important. You want to know to what extent you can touch someone, how you can touch someone without being too intrusive or end up creeping the other person out. The best way to do this is through communication. Is not about asking for permission for everything and killing spontaneity but rather about getting to know your partner. You can do this by showing them how to be open. You can tell them what you like, how you like to be touch what are your boundaries, and then you can gently ask for their preferences and boundaries, that way you are not putting someone on the spot, but rather letting the other person know you are willing to be vulnerable by sharing your intimate thoughts; chances are that when you do this, the other person will share back. If you are in a situation where you are trying to surprise someone and had no time to ask those questions, then gently say this ” If you don’t like the way I touch you in any way or you would like for me to do something different please feel free to say it. No judgement”; it is important however that you follow through with the non judgement part.
If you are going to try the nonverbal communication and simply jump into it, then I strongly recommend you learn to PAUSE. This means that when you make an initial contact you allow yourself to stop for a moment and let the energy of the physical contact become absorbed and integrated, that way the other person has a chance to decide whether or not he or she wants more of what you are giving. Doing this also sends a strong message of confidence.
You see confidence is not about faking that you are happy all the time, and nothing bothers you or that you are the party person. Confidence is being able to embrace every emotion you experience and be vulnerable enough to share that part of you with another. Confidence is being able to step back if the other person wishes for you to do so, without internalizing or violating anyone. That is true confidence! and if you are with another person who is also confident and loves themselves, that person will value your vulnerability. Remember that people who live by fake confidence only attract the same. People who are truly confident want what is real, and real is accepting you are human, and you have wounds, and knowing that you will have good and bad days and you don’t have to pretend in order to keep someone by your side. That is true confidence, because you are putting yourself first by allowing all your emotions to flow, and when you love yourself first then you can exude true confidence and those who truly are confident will embrace it. Being confident is accepting there will be days you feel helpless and other negative feelings, but you are capable of expressing them, not in anger or by keeping them bottled in while faking a smile. True confidence is accepting who you are but also working on your wounds, anything less than that is not confidence, is bullshit. If you want to want to have an open hearted connection with someone, then it means you have to be real, and real is whatever you are at your core, not what others expect you to be.
For example when I am with others, I can come across in various ways: sometimes shy, other times fidgety, yet others I am totally relaxed, but all of it is me. I could fake it and pretend that I am this perfect person who has all her life figure out, who has no regrets, makes no mistakes, etc, but that would not be good. Some people like me, some people don’t, some people get me and some don’t, and that is okay. I no longer stress over it as often as I used to. Why should I stress over how others expect me to be?. When I am nervous I tend to talk more or be very shy, other times I will hold my drink, and keep filling my wine glass until I feel comfortable, not drunk. When I was younger I had no control, I got so nervous I could have continue drinking until the alcohol got to me, not out of like for alcohol, but because I was nervous, that translated to others thinking I liked to drink and some people made up their own ideas of who I was. To those people am sure the idea that I was nervous never crossed their mind, I was an easy target to pick on, because let’s face it, sometimes others need to put other people down in order to feel better about themselves. The worst part is when people act like they have it all figured out and they expect you or want to see you get drunk, or fail at something, or make a fool of yourself, those are the ones you need to stay away from.
I have learned to have more control but that control had to come naturally. As I learned to love myself I learned to react differently, so if I want to have a drink it will be because I want to, not because I feel I need it to calm me down. All you can do is TRY to live and speak your truth, if you can do this then you can make a connection with another person who is also real. All you can do is continue to the best of your ability to be as real as possible for you, whatever way you are, however it works for you, because no one has it all figure out.
Now let’s talk about our bodies; being in touch with our bodies. In order to get in touch with others, first you need to learn to be in touch with you. Many people feel shame at the idea of touching themselves, or they feel they need to disassociate it and fantasize. That isn’t true. If you dissociate or fantasize you are not connecting with your body. You need to learn to relax and for no sexual reason learn to touch yourself. So for example, have a relaxing bath and close your eyes, feel the water on your skin, think how that makes you feel, after a while step out of the bathtub and lay on your bed naked, and learn to gently caress your skin, all over; again the goal is not sexual, is simply to feel good. Learn to experience your body because if you don’t know what you like, how is anyone else going to know it?. I recommend you do it on your bed, with candles lit in the room, and soft music playing on the background, and let your emotions, not your sexual needs take over. You may experience different emotions, if you have not done this before, you may feel a bit weird about it, push through it.
Now if you have done this before but you are loosing your sexiness, or your sacred feminine, don’t expect a man to do it for you. Keep building it. So perhaps instead of doing it on your bed, stand in front of your mirror, and appreciate your body, be crazy, pause, look at yourself, buy a good quality oil and rub it on your skin. I do this all the time, warm it up and apply it slowly, appreciate every curve of yours. Another thing I do is sensual dancing. I can do this alone because it makes me feel so damn good. I feel sexy as hell and that is what you want.
So the first example I gave you nourishes your soul, brings love to your heart chakra, the second one builds a healthy ego. It reminds you that being a woman is more than just one aspect of self, is both, maternal and sensual.
Remember that if you can’t absorb energy, if is not feeling pleasurable and you can’t integrate it then moving into a more intimate sexual space with someone is really more psychologically driven than nourishing to your soul and overall being.
Sexuality is being used to just release tension, that is what the majority of our society conditions us for. If that is all you are doing in your sexuality, then all you are really doing is actually separating/distancing yourself from the other person. Yes it is fun to have a “quickie”, but sex for the sake of just sex, is actually quite damaging to your soul. One of you, if not both will eventually feel used and the sex quality will decrease. Having sex for the sake of sex only may give you an orgasm or maybe even various cathartic orgasms, but later you will feel you are not really connected with that person. So when you are intimate with someone question your intention. Is you intention to feel love and give love or to simply get a release. Intention, is what will change everything.
When it comes to sexuality learn to pace yourself. Learn to touch the rest of the body rather than just touching for the sake of sexual stimulation. If you learn to touch for the sake of nourishing, then you allow the natural sensual and eventually sexual energy to flow, these process is slow, it does not happen right away. It may take an hour or two, but it awakens all your other senses. Just kissing and kissing and fondling for the sake of getting the other person turned on is really a waste of time. The rule is: If you are too intimidated to look at your partner for long periods of time, gaze at their eyes, pay attention to them, open up your soul; if you find all of these too intimate then you are not ready. If the personal intimacy is too great to eye gaze with someone then don’t have sex with that person. If you can’t just breathe and eye gaze for at least 20 seconds with your partner, then why are you taking your clothes off and having sex with that person?. It may be you are just empty inside, but having sex for the sake of filling the void or feeling you scored, only makes you a user, or puts you in a position to be used. All that does is disconnects you even more from your soul, which will only result in the inability to find satisfaction with anyone. Why would you?, your void will only get bigger and deeper with every person you use to fill that void, or every person you let yourself be used by; all it does is worsen the problem. Have sex, be crazy in it, don’t be shy, experiment, but do it because it feels so damn good physically and emotionally, not out of fear of loosing someone or to attract someone.
Coming back to touch: Massage is one of the most beautiful ways to express it but take it slow, use gentle touch (if the massage is being used for connecting) and finish it off but using airbrush touch. By then you will see your partner”s nipples all perky , if a male he may have an erection. The key again is pausing. Do not just go for it because of how their body responded, take your time!. You can at that point incorporate some stretching, shaking, and then some more airbrushing. Stretching and shaking the body will release more of the physical tension, while airbrushing will once again soothe and arouse; all the while increasing energy build up. That way when you go to the next step, the body, mind and soul will be ready.
Airbrush is a beautiful way to let your partner know that you embrace his/her body. Through air brushing and coming from your heart chakra you let your partner know that you find no fault with their body, only beauty, and this allows the other person to feel love, to receive love, which results in the ability to give love.
Now here is a very important piece of advise: Embrace sound, specially if you are the receiver of touch. Let your partner know how you are feeling by your way of breathing or the pleasant sounds you will make instinctively. It is very important to let go of the inability to express ourselves. Through sound your partner will know what works, and will feel appreciated, and you will get more of what you like.
Remember that beautiful love making is the incorporation of the following:
-Coming from your heart chakra
-Meditation (Pausing/being in the moment)
So that when you get to the point of intercourse, you are deeply connected in every aspect of self and you can reach a much deeper level of pleasure.
There are tantric steps to get you there. The steps create what is called the Tantric Wave Form, but for now try the above and see how it works out for you.