Why is it in our day and age with so much understanding of how our bodies and our minds work, are there so many people who are sexually dissatisfied?.
Sexuality is not a subject easily approached by many. There are still many people out there who still think to talk about sex is taboo. To feel shame when talking about sex comes from either ignorance on the subject or from the fact that the same people who condemn the topic of sexuality approach sex with a shameful attitude. No wonder then they expect everyone else to feel ashamed.
Sexuality is healthy, fun and has tremendous healing properties. When we start seeing sexuality through new eyes and approaching it from a healthier place, it is then we will be able to break any taboos on the subject.
Nothing I have just said is something you have not heard before. So why is it then so many people are still so sexually dissatisfied? Because we still approach sexuality as a commodity, a transaction, and when one approaches sexuality from that perspective then of course you will not have satisfying sex.
We need to stop seeing sexuality as a commodity. In the long ago past, it made sense for such transaction to happen. Men and women needed to reproduce. Men were more able to do labour, which was then more physical; so men then were able to have the resources needed to survive by their labour. Women being the fertile ones could in exchange give men offspring to pass on their genes (The need or desire to pass off our genes is an innate one. Even if you feel you don’t want children, your body is wired to reproduce “survival”; so the desire to reproduce regardless of conception is there). Looking back at the scenario I just described, we can then say that sex back then was one based on the transaction of “values” rather than about love, caring, romance and pure sexual pleasure.
When comparing the two, our “modern” society isn’t that old. A lot of drastic changes just started about 100 years ago. Women now have the ability to exercise a career, run a business, have sex without getting pregnant (birth control), therefore women now can become engage in sexual activities just for the pleasure of it. They don’t have to limit themselves due to the fear of getting pregnant or they don’t have to engage in it just for the sake of providing off springs.
Since genetically and psychologically people have lived in the old paradigm for thousands of years, then it makes sense for those beliefs to be deeply entrenched; not only psychologically but at a cellular level. That is why people are still treating sex as a commodity for exchange of resources rather than an exchange of pleasure, sharing and caring. That behavior is what limits them from having a positive experience of true intimacy and love for one another.
People are still dissatisfied sexually because both genders are still trying to take something from one another. Some women are still looking to take some type of resource from the opposite gender whether is monetary or status.
Some men also approach sex unhealthily. They just see it as a very mechanical, sexual experience where they can achieve a quick orgasm or they look at sex as a way to get bragging rights and some sort of validation. Neither of those attitudes within the male/female genders are healthy behavior.
People who are trapped in this mentality prevent themselves from experiencing what sexuality is really about; which is about “giving”.
The “Transaction Paradigm” arose out of scarcity or the belief on scarcity; the “Giving Paradigm” was born strictly out of the individual; independent of any need.
The “Giving paradigm” is about caring for the other person and what they are feeling; is about being able to be open and vulnerable with your own fantasies and desires, the ability to be open with your wounds and fears. When both partners can be open about the nice, the ugly, the naughty thoughts/wounds/fantasies within them, then you have a balance. When there is balance, both people can become sexually uninhibited, they can let loose rather than feel someone is taking something from them.
A question I have for men who like to see sex as a conquest, who go to bars to pick up girls for the night, and then have a mediocre 2 to 7 minutes of actual sexuality before they get their “rocks off” is this: Does it actually leave you sexually satisfied? If they were to take a step back and properly identify the motivation and the results, the answer would be a resounding no. Why?. Because physically their orgasms would not rate any higher than them giving themselves a hand job (In this day and age, orgasms can be measured).
So what makes the experience so different in their minds? Obviously is not the sexual act, is the mental deficiency or wrong belief. You see our mind is a powerful tool, which can help us or destroys us. The pornography industry knows this, they know the reason people can get hook on pornography is not because of pleasure, is because of wounds, lack self esteem and neurons.
Our neurons which have been wrongfully trained and wired are what lead people to ill ways of treating themselves and others. If the men that saw sexuality as a conquest did not see women as objects by which to inflate their fragile ego, then having empty mediocre sex would not give them a thrill. The thrill is psychological not physical.
Please don’t think that I am only talking about men here, many women approach men in the same manner described above. For women sometimes is worst when entering those games, why? Because many times during those interactions, women will fake the orgasms.
Because women are more sensitive to their feelings, achieving an orgasm can be more difficult. If the woman does not care for the man, the sexual exchange will mean nothing to her but one of delusional control. Many men think they are the ones controlling the woman during their sexual times/games yet women know that it is them who are truly in “control” of the situation. Many women fake the orgasm in order to please the male ego; if he feels he gave her a great orgasm, then he will see himself as “the man”. The problem is they will both will still feel empty inside but unwilling to face that the trigger; it comes down to lack of self esteem.
When talking about self esteem please do not think I am talking about prude believes on how the sexual act should be performed. Sexuality should encompass all, it should be fun, exciting, romantic, gentle, animalistic, naughty, spiritual. We can have it all but it requires that you own your sexuality rather than to let it own you. It requires that when engaging in sexual activities you do so free of any need; free of the need to control, to brag, to seduce or for the sake of adding another trophy to your empty list of conquests. It needs to be free of the need to take something from the other person, whether status or monetary (anybody can conquer a body; easiest thing to do. It is harder to conquer a soul, to be let into the deepest parts of someone’s intimate world. Conquering flesh is child’s play, so don’t base your standards on that, anyone can do it).
When people get to the point of not needing to take something from the other person, whether physical or psychological, then fulfilled sexuality will be open to you.
Women you are not sexual objects; you are sexual/sensual/spiritual goddesses. Men you are not animals; you are warriors, protectors, strong and dependable. Both genders hold within each other a tremendous power to heal each other’s soul. The thing that scares most people is the work involved in it.
When talking about work am referring to the ability to be naked physically, psychologically and spiritually with someone; that is scary for some.
It requires from each one of us to take a hard look at ourselves and to question our intentions on why we do what we do? why wee approach sex the way we do? how did we come to such views? All those questions will lead to inner knowledge, to opening or reopening of old wounds, some inflicted by ourselves, the rest inflicted by others but it will also lead us to healing.
What happens when those foundations are questioned? A period of instability; that is the main reason people do not want to look too close at themselves but when they choose not to look in, they are also choosing not to ever feel just how exciting and healing sexuality can be.
Sexuality holds the key to great healing and great enjoyment. My advice to both men and women is to stop treating themselves as sex toys; you are not a freaking doll, you are a human being, with desires, wounds, dreams, needs. You are not made of rubber!
That is why so many people are sexually frustrated; they treat themselves as commodities, and pick partners who in one way or another believe in the old taking paradigm.
Many times what happens is: One person feels the other person is trying to take from them, so that person is left feeling that he/she should take something away too. Since it’s obvious the other person doesn’t care and their goal is to use someone for a moment of false pleasure, the inappropriate response is to try to take something back.
In order to break the cycle, you have to stop having sex with people who are takers; which is hard because again most people are trapped in the old paradigm.
When you take a good look at yourself and you make sure you are not approaching someone to take something from them whether monetary, psychological, or status of any sort, then you will start attracting people who will not be takers. Love your sexuality, enjoy it, do not deny yourself of such great gift; you are not made of stone.
Men and women I am not asking you to become judgemental and prude, I am not asking you to live a paradoxical life of self denial yet endure hidden desires; I am a very sexual person, so I am probably the last person to suggest that, but because I love real powerful sexuality over mediocre sex, I would like you to expand and discover how much more is there.
The only way for a sexuality that is deep, healing, intense to happen is for you to have more than just knowledge of what to do with your body but also to integrate your other two facets, which are your mind and spirit. Whether man or woman, you are certainly worth all of it!!