Sexual relationships are the ultimate form of connection because they are the ultimate form of human interaction.
There has always been so much controversy about sexuality as so many different cultures have so many different types of relationship models; for example in ancient times there were a lot of tribal cultures; there was polygamy, then there was monogamy, arranged marriages and in modern times there is a lot of dating.
It seems there’s still a lot of contrasting views on what the appropriate relationship model is. Some people want to have a minimal amount of sexual partners as their ideal; some people want a maximum amount of partners as they can.
In modern times we find a lot of confusion on sexual identity and it has a lot to do with sociology and your gender roll. If one is not comfortable with one’s own identity and gender role, it makes it difficult to relate to others; specially members of the opposite sex.
Many people don’t understand the true nature of sexuality, both sociologically and by natural law. They don’t understand sexual selection fundamentals and its significance physiologically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually as well.
Paradoxically it seems that men and women have taken extremes. Men want to have as many sexual partners as they can before getting married. Women want to wait for “the one”; in a society with such a contrasting views is no wonder why there is so much unhappiness and non-fulfillment. People have forgotten how to reach a balance.
Here are some basic concepts about sexuality:
People’s sociological roles are very gender/very sexually based. Men are supposed to be getting women. Women are supposed to be getting men… why? because we are here to procreate. (This is not the rule spiritually as there are other life style alternatives; however this article is based mostly on the evolution of sexuality between men and women).
Sociologically speaking we are here to breathe first, then eat, then procreate. People who are extremists and practice unhealthy celibacy (for there is a healthy way to practice it) risk their mental health and as a result their spiritual health. As a tantric; meditation and celibacy are part of the lifestyle for long periods of time; however one has to know how to approach celibacy. The foundation and reasons for practicing celibacy need to be in alignment with the physiological and spiritual parts, otherwise unhappiness, resentment and judgmental attitudes towards others are brought forth. Celibacy is practiced for specific purposes but should not be done indefinitely unless one’s mind has been enforced and one’s soul has evolved. You can tell if that is the case because there won’t be judgement about other people’s lifestyles or a false belief that one is higher and better as a person than others.
Now let’s talk about masturbation. For the most part men don’t have a problem masturbating; perhaps their issue lies on the motivation behind it or the technique behind it. Their style can be very cold and limited. Men tend to not get in touch with the other parts of themselves, as a result the amazing power of the orgasm; which can be very healing; is lost. Some men also masturbate compulsively or when they are depressed which only leads to the wasting of huge amounts of energy through empty orgasms. Unlike women, men’s bodies are known for hosting less cosmic, biological, neurological energy than females. That is why men who have not taken care of themselves and who have wasted their energy by getting involved in empty sexual acts, once they reach maturity have many problems with erections and/or achieving orgasms.
Women on the other hand tend to have an issue even considering masturbation; even if it were to be once in a while. Through the centuries the roles and the true sensual power of the feminine has been lost or brought to shame by simply confusing the masses. They did this by simply treating promiscuous empty behavior in the same way one would treat a sexually empowered woman. They made sensuality equal to pornography. In their ignorance most people bought and still buy into the extremes taught by the media.
Ideally on a routine basis a woman should self love because it is unhealthy to have pent up aggression;one can become repressed, which is psychologically unhealthy.
Unless one has learned to channel the energy from the power of the orgasm, its tremendous energy can not be repressed for too long without damaging side effects. Simply seeing it as sinful is not a proper way to teach how to channel the power and energy behind the orgasmic current.
Its counterpart, promiscuity isn’t healthy either. It is damaging psychologically and spiritually. It suppresses us and hinders our ability to develop proper relationships. That is what pornography does; it destroys the ability to relate to real people, the same goes for a promiscuous behavior.
When living a promiscuous life style, one does not build rapport with anyone, hence you lock yourself in an unhealthy bubble. Such bubble little by little weakens the mind. With the amount of diseases out there, it is physiologically dangerous and psychologically is not “sound” behavior. Usually those who engage in it are in need of psychological help. This does not mean they are sick (very few are) most likely they are hurt and acting out of that hurt in ways that are destructive.
A large amount of sexual activity can be psychologically healthy as long as one maintains a balanced lifestyle. It also has to be done for the right reasons; not to escape life but to enjoy life.
A person who has a healthy active sexual life is very different than the person who goes clubbing all the time and leaves with different people every time; this is what is called the “one night stand”…eventually it leaves you with serious psychological hurts; making the original hurt that much deeper and more difficult to identify.
Bottom line is, neither celibacy nor promiscuity are healthy. Let me be clear I am not defending any specific type of relationship; be it monogamy, polygamy or polyamory.
Monogamy as well as celibacy can be healthy if done right; either one can be very damaging if the choice to practice it is the result of fear or out of the desire to please others.
Polyamory is quite misunderstood as a true polyamorist is not promiscuous. He or she has rapport with their partners in a psychological and spiritual nature. However when Polyamory is treated or confused as permission to be promiscuous or to lie and cheat, then it becomes dangerous and unhealthy. True Polyamorists are very respectful of other people’s choices, hence cheating or keeping a relationship hidden is out of the question. Polyamorists understand that such actions mask the actual problem and can lead to a lifestyle that threatens your health and could potentially leave you alone and defeated.
**I am not here to debate which is the best lifestyle. This article is meant to try to educate and bridge the extremes we find ourselves living in.
There are people in cultures who wait for their parents to arrange a marriage as there are people who are so busy with other aspects of their lives that they refuse to build real intimate relationships with real people.
There is no difference between either one of the two lifestyles I just mentioned. Both leave one empty and at the mercy of others or the circumstances….neither psychologically healthy.
I will not speak of virtual relationships for Tantra does not recognize such interactions as real. Tantra finds them destructive as for the most part they create false illusions and expectations. Such interactions lack the real life challenges which help one determine the course of a relationship; as such it remains illusion vs reality. Illusions can never help us make a proper choice in partners because one can not truly know the real level of compatibility; if any. Human beings are what is called by sexology “social animals” which in Tantra we call “social souls”; as such interactions need to be done in the right way. It can not be done in a sterile way. Tantra sees the importance for human beings to connect with people in real life, real time.
As an individual if you are seeking intimacy, you need to be connecting with people in all levels. Ideally one seeks a person who matches you sociologically; however there can be exceptions. Ideally you want someone who has a complimentary role, specially psychologically.
Physiologically people don’t take the time to connect with the opposite sex. Most of the time their interactions can be superficial and not very fulfilling. Their sexual relationships stop progressing. In order to progress, it is important to connect with your partner. You need to ask your partner what they like and how they like it.
You know you have an intimate mature relationship when you can openly express your likes to your partner. You need to be open with your partner so that the relationship can be more fulfilling for them and for you. Deepening the knowledge of yourself in every aspect and learning all aspects of your partner will create a surge and chemistry that is unmatched. With that said, in today’s society many men don’t know how to please a woman just like many women don’t know how to please a man. You need to be able to connect to your partner psychologically, so that your relationship evolves. This usually happens of its own accord but there are times that it does not… Why? Because people approach sex as a cut and dry thing; specially men; because is pleasurable they approach it only to get the high. They are in, they are out, they are done.
Have you had a conversation with your partner about your sex life?, about the techniques you use? If not you should!
How long does it take when you are sexually interactive? Is there foreplay? Is there cunnilingus/fellatio?… Those are things that are very important.
Foreplay is very important because there should be a build up as your nervous system needs to warm up to the other person. Women’s bodies are naturally more sensitive to touch, men however need to pay more attention to the awakening of their bodies. If you as a man feel foreplay may decrease you desire, steal the moment, or if you feel you will be unable to perform due to the delay, then you need to address one of three things:
1) You may not be with the right person. You don’t feel a need to make her feel loved and safe; when a woman feels safe and loved her sensuality and sexuality are awakened.
2) You have psychologically unhealthy views on sexuality which need to be addressed and dealt with. It could be sexual traumas or it could be that you have lived a very unhealthy sexual life, with habits that have robbed you of the ability to now connect intimately. Being open and honest about such things will be the only way to be on your way to a more open and sexually fulfilling life.
3) You have psychological traumas which are non sexual but relate to intimacy which hinders your ability to express and receive affection.
If you want to really connect with a person, if you want your relationship to become interesting and exciting, then you need to awaken your nervous system. Your nervous system can bring so much pleasure to your life.
If you don’t engage through foreplay, your sexual life will die. Even if you move on to another person; after the original excitement you will end up in the same place. If you choose awaken your nervous system and explore your bodies, then chances are you and your partner will end up frustrated or bored or cheat. Why not find ways to correct what is wrong sexually in your relationship? If you want to cheat why not just choose to enter a polyamory lifestyle without having to drag someone who believes in monogamy into it?
Polyamorists do not lie. They live their lives openly and with rapport. A true monogamist should be able to do the same and build that rapport with the person they want to be with; if that is not possible and cheating whether virtually or physically is necessary then you are not with the right person and/or you may not be a monogamist. If you find it hard to commit, then you should not be in a monogamist relationship.
The root cause for cheating is due to the lack of connection/chemistry psychologically, physiologically, spiritually. You don’t have the right to hold on to someone and cheat on them simply because you are not willing to accept that monogamy might not be your thing or you are not mentally ready for commitment, or through time you may have changed, or to please others….all of these are erroneous reasons for holding onto someone.
You don’t have the right to hold onto someone if you are unwilling to be open about your needs. THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS; for example when you have been honest about your lack of connection and the other party chooses to hold on but makes no changes. In that case that person shows little concern for the individuality and happiness of the person they claim to love. Yes their behavior can be motivated by wounds but love as it was intended is the ability to not enslave another. Love is wanting what is best for your partner and loving one self enough to let go; specially if one is unwilling to modify behavior after all issues have been brought up to the open. With that said keep in mind not to hold on to resentment, for every human being is a soul having a human experience and they are trying to do the best they can. This does not excuse wrongful behavior but it does help to prevent you from reacting in the same ways and polluting your soul.
How to have a holistic experience with your partner?. By allowing your spiritual part to kick in. When talking about the spiritual part some people feel threatened. I am not talking about any type of religion here; I am talking about the mystical part of why two people fall in love. In order to tap into that part of your relationship, you will need to give in completely to your psychological and your nervous system. In that way you will experience true ecstasy.
Holistic means whole, and guess what? many people are incomplete.
Men and women do not have the same faculties, we do not have the same bodies, the same psychological process, we are then “counter parts”.
“Counterparts” means we need one another to compliment each other. This does not mean that you need to go out there looking for someone to complete who you are at your core. You need to feel as complete as you can on your own before you can find that which compliments you. You need to be fulfilled and complete, then you can reach the next level when you have a partner who compliments/completes you sociologically, psychologically, spiritually, physiologically.
When two people come together they can experience the ultimate fulfillment that one can have in this human condition but you have to be connecting on all levels. You can not have a cut and dry relationship. You will get bored, you will end up cheating, looking for other people to engage with you elsewhere. You need to be engaging with your partner on all levels and you need to be advancing, progressing in your relationships. If your relationships are not progressing, there is going to be a time limit.
Now let’s talk about how your body is wired:
Some women are wired so that they can only have one or two orgasms and some women have never ever experienced an orgasm; be it a clitoral orgasm, which is what most women experience or the big “O” which is a G-spot orgasm.
If you have never experience either one don’t worry about it; that can change after ruling out any physiological illnesses that can sometimes be the cause of it. All you need to do is find the right partner, someone whom you can engage psychologically and who has the time and the know how on connecting.
For those women who can only have a couple of orgasms; don’t worry about it; your body is ultra sensitive… there is nothing wrong with not being able to experience over half a dozen orgasms. Is not quantity is quality.
If your body is fulfilled after a couple of orgasms and you are happy psychologically, then don’t worry about the rest. All women however are able to experience more than one orgasm. They just need the right partner who knows how to listen to their body versus just trying to score. There is a technique for it but no technique can help if the partner does not listen to the body.
For men it is more difficult to have more than one orgasm; very few can. What is possible however; but few achieve; is to have a deep fulfilling orgasm. Men need to learn to do this by learning to get in touch with their body. I am not talking about cut and dry. Most men get in, get out, it’s done. By doing this they rob themselves of the ability to achieve a deeper orgasm. Men need to learn to enjoy sensations, aside from the penile area. Men need to rediscover touch, to learn to visualize vividly in their mind eye each trust and sensation, each touch, each kiss. Some men’s bodies are dormant aside from their penis. The process of awakening can be uncomfortable and perhaps the biggest reason why men choose not to explore it; it can be a slow process but rewarding. Men need to engage as sexual beings. They need to learn about their sexual identity.
Most women don’t have a problem understanding their sexual identity. Women in general are more sexual creatures than men yet men are commonly taught to be more sexual but that is a misconception; they just have a higher “sexual drive”.
Women can hold off longer than men on masturbation, on sex, etc; this does not mean women enjoy sex less. Men on the other hand are less engaged on all levels; as psychological beings, as sexual beings, as spiritual beings, they do not listen to their nervous system. Those are the problems men need to correct if they want a deeper relationship.
Both men and women need to ask themselves what are their sexual identities, what are their sexual needs and how are they repressed. Men do not get as repressed as women in the sense that men masturbate more, but men often times do not understand their sexual identity. They need to get in touch with it if they are going to be able to experience things at a deeper level.
Both sexes need to be open to more pleasure in order for it to be a better experience.
We have the instinct to be sexual; one can not deny that and if you do it the right way you can grow as a being and have a great life. You can achieve such a high level of happiness and pure bliss. The tip for achieving this is to develop sociologically first, then psychologically and then physically.
Again; whether monogamous or polyamorist; first you need to build rapport, connection, trust and safety. You should not be engaging with multiple people whom you don’t respect or have a connection with. You are sharing the most intimate part of you, your DNA; I am not even going to go deeper into the psychological or spiritual part of that.
To engage in promiscuous behavior is a sign of something serious that needs to be dealt with. It is not right to disrespect your body or to mistreat it; you are worth loving!
If you want to self actualize and you want your relationship to grow then you need to get your order and priorities set right; once you do that, you will synchronize.
What happens when you synchronize with another person?.. you become complete and therefore you achieve more balance and more harmony and ultimately synergy!