What is a good relationship and how can we recognize one?. What can we do to contribute to the growth of our relationship?. How do we know when its time to get out of one?. All these questions at one point or another have been part of our psyche?; sadly the cold reality is there are no manuals!.
We learn a lot about relationships by watching our parents interact as children, but what happens when that interaction was an unhealthy one?.
If we grew up watching parents who didn’t know how to express themselves, or who remain in a relationship for the wrong reasons, then the result will be children who will become adults with a confused sense of self and a confuse sense of how a relationships works. Now if you add our own personal struggles and experiences; it makes it that much more complicated. Some of us have been fortunate to have experienced what love is in a healthy way, therefore redefining our own beliefs.
It can be hard to override the things we watched as children as they tend to blame themselves for any troubles parents face. By no means am I an expert on relationships; having had my own setbacks; however I’ve also been blessed to have experienced what a healthy relationship can do for a soul, even a wounded one. Many times we are alone and we think we are always going to be alone, because of this we choose to jump into relationships and end up feeling depleted as a result of a lack of chemistry.
I am firm believer that nothing happens by accident, even relationships that we may have consider “hard” were meant to happen. We were meant to learn something from them!. Something in them helped us deal with some of our old unresolved wounds from the past. I am not recommending that one should go from relationship to relationship in order to learn those lessons, the healthiest way of course would be to look in and to seek to resolve those issues and/or find closure to those old wounds by working on ourselves outside of a relationship; it would certainly be the ideal!. However we are human and tend to seek companionship. The less in tune we are with ourselves the less we like to be alone; because being alone will force us to look in!.
As we grow as individuals, we recognize the value of solitude. We embrace it, and the more we grow comfortable with ourselves, the more we attract healthier relationships, or if we are already in one, it evolves. If on the other hand we are in an unhealthy relationship,as we evolve that relationship will deteriorate until it’s finished. Let us not forget; the greatest relationship we can have is with ourselves. Relationships are mirrors of our inner state of mind and spirit. They can help us see our greatest virtues or to face our greatest demons.
Ultimately a great relationship will lead us to grow as a person. It is my believe that there are a few things which can make or break a relationship.
Sense of Humor: You have to have the ability to loosen up around the person you are with. That person brings out the best in you, and makes you smile. You feel good! Laughter is one of the main components of a healthy relationship.
Chemistry: What is the chemistry between the two of you?. So many of us underestimate chemistry. We seem to believe that we can learn to be happy with anyone. We place all the burden on ourselves or our partners, and not realize that neither one of you is perfect; this however doesn’t mean you are both bad. It may just be that you lack chemistry!. A good chemistry goes a long way because relationships are about vibrations. I have been in relationships were I felt like something was wrong, I didn’t belong yet I stayed , not knowing that I had to take responsibility. I still don’t have it all figure out!.
As one grows, you understand that it was not all your fault or that of your partner’s; you may have just lacked that deep connection; and no one is to blame for that!. The more you grow the more you realize how important chemistry is, and a higher value is place on it, because it is a reflection of the value we have of ourselves.
Opening up: Many of us are used to receiving love but afraid to give it; afraid to show affection to the one we claim to love. Public displays of affection are absolutely beautiful: to hug, kiss and caress the one you love, is an amazing thing!. We fail to recognize that when we do this, you are then backing your words. Many of us say “I love you” in the same way one would say “good morning”, we take the meaning of the words for granted. However no matter how beautiful it is to hear those words, they don’t mean a thing if the actions don’t back it up. We can learn to back our words through our acts of affection; let us not forget how we all have a hunger to be touched, caressed just as much as we yearn to hear the words.
Communication: How do you communicate?. We are the sum of all our life experiences and we need to learn to express ourselves freely without a filter. The secret lies in letting go 100%, that is what makes a world of difference. Some of us do not know how to communicate properly and that is all right, communication is the one thing that a good therapist can help with. We also need to look at whether or not the communication is at an even field. Do you both have something to talk about?. Do you share similar interests?. We all have different likes, however if there is no common ground it can be a recipe for disaster. Finding a common ground, builds intimacy in a relationship; ultimately that is what the goal is INTIMACY.
Emotional Health: The word emotion means “energy in motion”, when you find the perfect equilibrium then you have something special!. This doesn’t mean you are to look for the perfect person, or perfect relationship; nobody is perfect!. What is important is whether or not you work everyday at becoming a greater person than the day before. Imagine what it would be like to have someone who is in tune with their emotions, that creates a powerful connection!.
Lying: That is a big one!. The reality is “you will always get caught”. It is inevitable to try to hide the truth. The basis of a good relationship is built in transparency. A healthy relationship is one which has transparency at its core. No matter how hard the truth, value the one you love enough to not steal the power of choice from them. A controlling relationship is one built on secretiveness. If you are lying, being dishonest, your relationship will not go anywhere because relationships are about expanding not contracting.
Rude: Many times we forget that how we talk to the person we claim to love is very powerful. I heard once someone say “is never what you say, is the energy behind what you are saying that matters”. The tone of your voice.
Is what you are saying coming from your heart or from your mind?. What matters is how much heart and soul you have. Is not about how much money you have because is not about how much can you buy, rather is about how much of “you” can you invest.
Cheating: I have a whole different way of seeing relationships. I don’t think anyone can blame you of cheating or having contributed to cheating, if you were always clear with the person in your life or if you were unaware of the other person’s status. We also have to remember however that everyone makes mistakes, but a mistake is not a pattern. We all have the right to find the one person with whom we can resonate at a higher level.
One can find others attractive, that is not cheating. Cheating is when you don’t have the confidence to express to the one you are with that you like looking and like spending your energy on someone else.
Diet: You may be wondering what does this have to do with you. Believe it or not it has a lot to do with your relationship. For example if one of you likes healthier food and the other does not, or one of you prefers certain ethnic cuisine and the other does not, then those things will affect your relationship. It is about compromise!. Do not give up all of who you are and your likes for the other person nor expect the other person to give up what they like for you. A lot of our lives revolves around the kitchen, so if you have similar likes, it will make it that much better!
Mean/Malicious: Once you develop a mean spirit you start embodying it and as a result the message you are sending is that you don’t appreciate the person you are with; eventually they will get tire of you!.
I love generous people because I am generous with my love. I do not like people who talk to me in a mean way, nor those who make me feel like I have to jump and do tricks in order to get affection back; that to me is malicious and mean.
Relationships are a beautiful thing, but being single is also beautiful; it gives you the time to grow and to do the things you love. Chances are you will find the one you love doing the things you love.